Continuing On

A couple of people have objected to my deleting the blog. I think the most poignant was from Jenny in London:

“Can I urge you not to delete the blog?? It's a really lovely history of your time there so far, and Rod apart, includes many wonderful people, places and photos which all go to make up your life. You don't have to read it, but others will continue to enjoy it. Blogs are what will make up the history books of the future as fewer and fewer people put pen to paper, so these are the things that will survive. So leave it!!”

So there you have it. She makes a good point. Rod was not the story but just a chapter. Life goes on and I’m at the stage where I’m nearly done missing him and am beginning to celebrate the things that I don’t miss about our life together . One of the most difficult changes has been altering my vocabulary from “we” to “I”. (Funny, the opposite was true when we first got together.)

I learned some things about myself and what to look for (and what to look out for) in a relationship. I learned that I do not necessarily want to be a life-long single person. I also learned that a broad gap in economic status, hobbies, interests, age, life experience, communication skills and culture are not a good recipe for success. I learned that seeing someone’s potential does not mean that it is healthy to endure in the hopes that you’ll see it materialize.

But this brings about another question; where do I meet someone single (and gay) in similar circumstances? How many single gay men are retired at 47 and no longer pursuing the brass ring? How many have said, “Ok, that’s enough money, now I want a simple life.”? Clearly no one who lives in a major metropolitan city. Someone who still needs to work 60+ hours a week in order to live the “upscale – disposable income” lifestyle that is so expected of gay men.

I once received an astrology reading as a birthday gift. It was years ago, before I retired and moved to Mexico. I’d been single for about 10 years. The astrologer told me that he did not see me as a life-long single person. He went on to say that the type of person that I should be with is a real “salt of the earth” type. (This description clearly does not fit my last choice in partners.)

Where are the gay “salt of the earth” types? After my 30’s, I was never attracted to the bar scene, the circuit club scene, environments where 50 year old men dance with their shirts off as if they were still in their 20’s, taking drugs on weekends and shopping for designer clothes when they're not. Been there, done that, in my 20’s; not about to go back.

Should I leave Mexico and return to work? I think not. Not corporate America anyway. I can’t imagine ever working a nine-to-five job with limited vacation, ever again. Should I move? (This is a very small town in which to co-exist with an ex.) If so, where? Someplace else in Mexico; maybe Costa Rica or Spain? It has to be affordable on a fixed income.

Not that I’m in any hurry, mind you. I need to let the dust settle. I’m done with relationships for some time and plan on working on myself. I started this adventure with a couple of goals in mind. Between the death of my parents and starting a new relationship, I was totally side tracked. I seem to remember that writing and learning a new language were the original goals.

Back on track now, I think. Or soon anyway. In the mean time, I’m planning to visit dear friends in Tennessee for Christmas and then go explore someplace new in Mexico for a month or so. I think getting away will allow my head and my heart to heal, and help me figure out where life’s journey is to take me next. Not someone else’s plan, but my own.

On the lighter side, I just got a fairly reasonable estimate for converting the dog house to a rather kick-ass guest house. (Some people grieve by eating or shopping, I remodel.)

The Final Chapter

Rodrigo and I are finished. If you peel away the symptoms and break it down into what was really the problem, I’d have to say the age difference.

When you’re in love, it is easy to focus on the good qualities in a person and ignore the things that don’t work; but only for a time.

I take comfort in the words of don Miguel Ruiz from The Four Agreements:

“If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn’t walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want.”

That being said, this blog is at an end and will be deleted soon. At some point I’ll probably start another, when my head and my heart heal.

For those of you who have been with us through this process, thank you for your kind words of support.