Tiny Weenie

I’ve been getting my haircut at the same shop for about four years. It is a little more expensive than other shops, at $100 pesos (a little less than $10 USD), but Juan keeps a clean shop and is an interesting guy. He’s a skinny thing, with long braids down to his waist. He was a philosophy major but could make any money philosophizing so he does hair. His wife just had their second child.

Every haircut is a combination English/Spanish lesson as we are about on par with our language skills. This week I had just settled into the chair when he asked me, “Que significa “Tiny Weenie?””

I was a bit stunned as I hesitated, thinking, “Poor guy. I hope no one said that to him.” When I explained it was a small penis (“Pene chiquito”) he started laughing. Then we got into discussion and maybe what he heard was “Teeny weenie” which could mean anything small. (I couldn’t come up with the vocabulary to ask him where he had heard this expression.) “Que significa “weenie?”” he asked.

“Como hot dog” I replied.

“Salchicha?” (The Spanish, or at least Mexican, word for the kind of meat we call hot dogs.)

“Exacto”

(I should mention that “pene”, which means “penis” in Spanish, is pronounced exactly the same way as one would pronounce “penne pasta.” So if you are in Mexico, at an Italian restaurant, and you order the “pasta penne” and your waiter smiles slightly, understand that to him it sounds like you just ordered “penis pasta.”)

Whether the “Tiny weenie” conversation proved to be a segue for the next conversation I’ll never know, but he went on to say that he’d heard that gay marriage is now legal in Mexico City and he thought it was very good and a progressive thing for the country. With that I’ll close with a piece about gay marriage that my friend Andrew found somewhere on the internet:

1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage and our 50% divorce rate would be destroyed.

6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

11) Gay Marriage will destabilize the family. This same argument was used against numerous changes including women leaving the home for the workplace, interracial marriages, and dancing.